Casual Dreaming

 In the spring of last year, my friend would sometimes take videos of himself when he was under the influence because he would say or do really funny things that definitely needed to be captured. 

I re-watched a few of these videos recently, and I’m grateful that we did this because there are some seriously funny moments on there that I am so glad I will have forever. Watching those videos was entertaining. It reminded me of a time I wish I could go back to. But one of them wasn’t. One of them reminded me of some difficult things I had to deal with last year that I had somehow forgotten about. 

In one of the videos my friend is being exceptionally mean to me. He says some pretty hurtful things. He’s also eating my food, and throwing the trash all over the floor. And what am I doing? Sitting there letting him be mean to me, not saying anything, and walking around the room cleaning up his mess. In the video, I express my anger and frustration, but it’s in a very passive way which is ultimately ignored. And I still continue to do things for him, like get him a drink and clean up after him. 

Now, to you this might not seem like a big deal, and you might even say he was high, give him a pass. But what you don’t know is that this was pretty regular. Last year I would always clean up after him, always get things for him no questions asked, and he wasn’t always nice to me to deserve my generosity. Watching that one video just reminded me of all the other times, and it made me angry! I couldn’t believe I had allowed someone to treat me that way. I was hurt because at the time I considered this person my best friend and he certainly wasn’t treating me like one. I couldn’t figure out who I was more upset with: him for treating me so poorly, especially after everything that I had done for him in the past, or me for allowing and ultimately accepting it. I watched the video embarrassed;  I couldn’t recognize myself, the person in that video looked pathetic like she had no self worth. It really opened my eyes to my behavior and it also made me think and reflect within myself.

I like helping people, especially people that I care for a lot. I don’t mind doing things for people, and if you ask, the chances of me saying no are slim, and it’s not because I don’t have a backbone. It’s because I truly don’t mind and enjoy doing things for others. But at what point is it too much? I’ve been struggling with that for awhile now, and especially in my relationship with this particular friend. In the past, people told me that I was doing too much, and that perhaps my feelings for him were clouding my better judgement. But it didn’t feel that way; I just felt like I was doing something nice for a friend.

I want my friends to think that I will do anything for them, because I will. But it’s time that I learn when I’m being generous and when I’m being walked on and taken advantage of. What watching that video did was show me how pathetic I had looked last year doing all of those things. I’m grateful for that video because I needed that. I needed to see my self in that position to truly understand what people had meant when they commented on the dynamics of my relationship with him.

Being generous is a good thing, but it’s important to know when you’re being taken advantage of (which, if you are a really generous person will happen a lot!) and most importantly knowing when to stand up for yourself.  I think Im on the road to doing that.

Let me start this post off by saying that I am a hopeless romantic. It should come as no surprise really, if you’ve seen the things I’ve posted here, but also considering that I am in fact, a girl. A girl growing up in a society where finding the perfect guy who will come into my life when I least expect it, and sweep me off my feet, is a very high goal on the list of life’s to do list. Its been engrained in my brain ever since I can remember. Disney promotes it, my not-so-guilty guilty pleasure Rom-Com movies show it, and you can even find it in literature at any book store. Even though I’m old enough to see through this brainwashing, I don’t care, because they’ve made it look so good that, to me, it would seem crazy not to try and give it an honest shot. 

This being said, I have a bit of a bone to pick. For my whole life all I’ve ever really wanted was to find a boyfriend. The idea of having someone who cared about me the same way I cared about them was magical. it seemed like so much fun to have someone who understood you in a way no one else could, and laughed at all your not-so-funny jokes. Some might say, “but that’s what a best friend is for,” but I say, it’s not the same. Why? Because you want someone you can hold hands with, who you can kiss, and cuddle with. You want that special someone, even if you don’t know what that “special” is — you’ll know when you find it. I still want this, I do, but as I’ve gotten older, gotten some real perspective, I’ve come to realize a few things about life and love.

All my friends continue to talk about how they want a boyfriend, and since we’re in college this is the time to start looking, because “a lot of people find their husbands in college”, and “I want to be married by the time I’m 25,” or 27 or whatever the magic number may be. And for a while I thought that way too, but then I realized something: I’m 20.

I’m not a teenager anymore but that doesn’t mean that I’m not young. I was dreading my 20th birthday. I couldn’t fathom the idea of not being a teenager anymore. To me, being 20 meant I had to actually get serious about life, and my future, and I couldn’t blame anymore of my dumb mistakes on the fact that I was kid, because I wasn’t anymore. But then I remembered how people always talk about their 20s being the best times of their lives, and I experienced something similar to a revelation…sort of.

  Your 20s are suppose to be fun; they’re suppose to be exciting! You’ve reached a time in your life where the world takes you serious enough to allow—and expects—you to do and say things you might not have gotten away with when you were younger. It’s a new kind of freedom that shouldn’t be immediately surrendered just to find some guy. When I realized this, the idea of finding a boyfriend/soulmate right now seemed ludicrous. Who would want a boyfriend at a time like this?!

Boyfriends are nice I’m sure, (I wouldn’t know, because I suffer from crippling social anxiety when I’m around boys I like, but that’s a personal issue) but they can also tie you down. I’m young, I don’t want to think about finding the perfect guy, or marriage. I want to go out, have fun and live my life. Having a boyfriend would just hold me back. I want to travel the world and drink every night. I want to dance my heart out and hookup with random guys. I want to do what I want when I want to do it, and worrying about another person, or looking for Mr. Right would just distract me. I can worry about getting married when I’m 30. 

So I’ve stopped looking. And to all those girls out there who are my age looking for a boy to call your significant other — stop. Just have fun and live your life. I know you’ve heard it before, BUT finding that special someone does really happen when you least expect it, and when would you least expect it more, then when you’re having the time of your life dancing on a bar in Ireland…or whatever your ideal “I’m having the time of my life” scene looks like.

I’m not condoning recklessness and stupidity; I’m just saying, don’t let reaching your 20s be an end all be all for yourself like I once did. 

Dear Tumblr friends,

 I will be participating in ElonThon which is a 24 hour dance marathon that helps raise money and awareness for childhood cancer. My personal fundraising goal is $300. I would appreciate any support you give me for this worthwhile cause. All contributions will benefit Duke Children’s Hospital (my local Children’s Miracle Network Hospital). Any contribution will help, and all donations are tax deductible.

Donating online is safe and easy! To make an online donation please search for my name at http://www.helpmakemiracles.org/ to donate on my behalf. Or here is a direct link to my donation page: http://goo.gl/AWIhS

Thank you for considering this request for your support. 

Kara